symphonykiss

So it's been 3 months since Joel left to go back home. I haven't really spoken to him, but I sure do miss him. I can notice I'm starting to let go, but hesitant at times.

I'm looking forward to the spring/summer b/c I'll be able to do things outside and get out into the city.

I have really taken a step back and see what I want and just be happy with being single. I haven't been like that in my life, but funny how I'm content with it. I'm not interested really in starting a relationship or dating, just hanging out and having fun.

REally I'm building up my individuality and spending time with me. Which I haven't done in such a long time. It's all about my career right now and taking care of myself.

Studying for my PHR is the priority now. I got my masters, so now it's this other battle. It's hard b/c there is so much information to know and cram in. I'm realy going to try to just get everything ready (prep) for it and be ready for studying hard core on 4/1, then take the test in May EEK!!

Not taking any vacations at all this year. I did go to NY, but nothing sunny and fun. Maybe next year go international again. We'll see.

Work is fine, challenging, but it makes it interesting.

Today is kind of a boring day today, but it's ok. It's a Monday and too much craziness would make it horrible. I think I'm leaving at 4:30pm since nothing exciting is occuring.

Saw Twilight, great movie. Like the attraction and chemistry between the two characters. Hmmm might buy it now.

I haven't been feeling with energy. Even though I am working out I have no desire to do so. I know I'm falling into a depression. I don't want to and I'm doing the best I can not to fall, but I'm really not into anything. I miss Joel incredibly and with all the drama and finally letting go of Mr. JERKO! it's been hard. I find it really hard to imagine why men can be so cruel and mean. I'm this nice girl tha has her shit together and then completely uses her to his benefit and just throws her away like a doll and find the next doll. It just hurts to be treated that way.

Although I have great friends and family that have supported me throughout this whole time. I'm going to back to my religous roots, basically where I used to be. I need my faith back, without it I noticed I didn't feel like I mattered, since I've been communicating with the higher power I have felt somewhat better. I know he loves me for who I am and I know I am the better woman than that jerko. I know for a fact my heart belongs to Joel and not scum bag. I miss Joel's company because i made me feel safe and protected. I know with him scum bag would not cross my mind. Although since he is not here I feel like my shield is not here anymore and I no longer feel safe and vulnerable more like it.

I had a crappy holiday, but I am looking forward to this new year without anything holding me back. For the first time I don't want to be in a relationship and I'm emotionally not available. I never felt this way and I'm actually more concentrated in making myself feel better and be a better woman. I hope tha scum bag gets shit and is not happy, he needs to feel what I felt one of these days. The higher power will take vengence upon his hands, hopefully he feels the pain I feel. I know I don't need that shit. :P

I enjoy coming to work cause it helps me take my mind off of things, but I still think of the pain I feel from scum bag and the love I feel for Joel. I know it sounds confusing, but really I love my Joel. I always will. I hope he comes back to me!!

I haven't been feeling with energy. Even though I am working out I have no desire to do so. I know I'm falling into a depression. I don't want to and I'm doing the best I can not to fall, but I'm really not into anything. I miss Joel incredibly and with all the drama and finally letting go of Mr. JERKO! it's been hard. I find it really hard to imagine why men can be so cruel and mean. I'm this nice girl tha has her shit together and then completely uses her to his benefit and just throws her away like a doll and find the next doll. It just hurts to be treated that way.

Although I have great friends and family that have supported me throughout this whole time. I'm going to back to my religous roots, basically where I used to be. I need my faith back, without it I noticed I didn't feel like I mattered, since I've been communicating with the higher power I have felt somewhat better. I know he loves me for who I am and I know I am the better woman than that jerko. I know for a fact my heart belongs to Joel and not scum bag. I miss Joel's company because i made me feel safe and protected. I know with him scum bag would not cross my mind. Although since he is not here I feel like my shield is not here anymore and I no longer feel safe and vulnerable more like it.

I had a crappy holiday, but I am looking forward to this new year without anything holding me back. For the first time I don't want to be in a relationship and I'm emotionally not available. I never felt this way and I'm actually more concentrated in making myself feel better and be a better woman. I hope tha scum bag gets shit and is not happy, he needs to feel what I felt one of these days. The higher power will take vengence upon his hands, hopefully he feels the pain I feel. I know I don't need that shit. :P

I enjoy coming to work cause it helps me take my mind off of things, but I still think of the pain I feel from scum bag and the love I feel for Joel. I know it sounds confusing, but really I love my Joel. I always will. I hope he comes back to me!!

This was one of the first photos we took together. This was over the 4th of July weekend. I miss him!! *sigh*

I'm upset at the fact that Joel has not called me since his arrival. It will now be officially a week on Monday he arrived. It's like he completely forgot about me. I understand his family is priority there, but at least give me a call that you arrived. He will only call me when he needs something...like his tax information. It pisses me off because here I'm waiting for him to be calling me, but up no...no luck whatesoever.

I was shocked to know that he didn't even call his family here..it's like he got home and forgot everyone in Chicago, IL. That pisses me off.
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On the side note I went on a date with Matt. I guy I met on YP..yeah it wasn't what I had expected. There is no chemistry, he's a nice guy, but just not my type..I think with time maybe, but really I'm not emotionally available..I rather just be on my own and hang with friends, family, and read my books.

He kissed me on Saturday which was ackward..I wasn't into it really. I just did it..shouldn't of DOH!!! Thank goodness he didn't french me or else I would of been "BLAH UM NO". Still pining for Joel...:*(

I don't know when I'll be ready, but i'm not going to string a guy a long if I don't feel anything or hoping there might be. Thats just not right. *shakes head*

Tired. It's Sunday and I can't believe I am at work!! *ARG* I think I'm the only salary individual that is here. I think i'll leave at 2pm and go workout and get grocieries and go from there. *YAWN*

I just want to sleep and crawl under a rock. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare. I am incredibly having a hard time dealing with joel leaving. I knew he was going to leave, but the pain is so painful. I loved that man and I told him that I did. I believe he did too. It's hard to not call him after work and just discuss with him everything of the day. today I needed him there with me at work because the union was so hard on me today. I wish he were here. Today I don't even want to wrap the remaining presents. All I want to do is just sleep and crawl under a rock. I worked out today, but the pain I feel is unberable. For the next four days that i'm off all I want to do is sleep and just be in PJ's. It's hard to get over this sadness I feel in my heart. I cry at work, before going to bed, or in the car. I miss him extremely. He was such a good friend to me and brought me back to life. He is a wonderful man I met and someone that i will cherish very much. I love him!! I enjoy all the memories we had. I know he is happy to be home and has no time to think of me....i'm kind of jealous I have to admit, but it's understandable. I love Joel. I will miss him terribly. My love is gone.

I feel like skipping Christmas this year.

So it's official I have graduated with my Masters in I/O psychology. I am super physched and releaved it's over. This has been such a long journey and I did it on my own. I took everything out of me and courage to finish this long process. I did it and even though right now everything is great, this is a light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me feel great and that I worthy of much more than what I was settling for.

I also ran a 5k marathon through my local gym and I did well, well for someone that had not worked out for the past 2 weeks. I came in 6th in my age range and 55 in my gender. Overall I came in 157 out of 700 peeps. :D It was a nice 40 degrees but windy. I thought it would not be over, but with help of the old IPOD I made it through. I then treated myself to a tuxedo mocha from star****cks and a People's magazine. That was my treat.

The night before I hung out with Joel kind of our last hurrah. He is leaving on Friday night to go back home and be with his family. I will incredible miss him. He has been such a good friend. Much more of a friend that the EX was and more of a man as well. Joel was always honest and sincere. He never lead me on and pretended anything. It was all genuine with JOel. I will respect him immensely and he is the love of my life. If I could I would marry Joel. True he may not be as far along in his education, but he is a good man, and I seek that. Joel will always be above Chris and the EX and all the random guys I've met. JOel has given me respect and much consideration. He is not that detailed, but what man isn't. He liked me for me and that is all I could ever ask for from the opposite man, especially if that man I care for and vice versa. I love Joel, he was a great friend and much more than that. I love Joel Salgado. I will be sad to let him go!! :(

It's been a while I've posted on this site. Things have happen that I don't even know where to begin. I'm just going to post my thoughts, if anyone reads this just don't ask me anything..these are my raw emotions that I feel and don't express on an everday light basis and really don't want to speak about them, but just deal with them. This will allow you to see how I am feeling inside and how my smiling face can be deceiving at times. I love all my friends and family. But please respect my wishes and just read on. :)

I thought it was over....really I did. When Joel stepped into my life I thought I had left the past behind me. I went through a horrible surgery and came out Ok. Joel was there through it all. Then I make the mistake to turn back and revisit the past, even though I had accomplished so much I looked back. I let him back into my life and all the emotions came back. What I felt for Joel didn't matter and just went with my heart. Why because I still loved him, I never dealt with the emotions and just tucked them away. Now I see that should of and then I could of moved on and let Joel really inside my heart. Joel was a facade for me and a great distraction. He did bring me back to life, it was like a breath of fresh air. I don't regret the time I have spent with Joel. Why? Joel showed me the kind of love that I seek in a man and what I want out of my life. For someoen to love me as me and treat me like a princess...no matter how I look or weight. Joel loved me for me. If Joel ever came back to the US and said Michelle marry me "I would say "YES"". Joel is my rock, my savior, but he didn't save me from the experiences I have had these past few weeks. The past came back to haunt me and I let him in. Then I realized I was being used again, and then decided to finally say "I've had enough" he responded non chalantly "okay...thanks for everything then" I take a swig on Text that "I'm the best damn thing his eyes will ever see" he states that "thats enough with the texts and good luck"...it hurts for him to tell me that, but I need to hear it to finally say "IT'S OVER" and now it's my turn to cry my heart out and let it all out. Let the tears and the heartache finally overcome me. Finally not to hope and for the feeling to linger. Knowing that he will never bother me ever again will allow me to finally cope and just cry till the last emotion is drawn out, just like it did with Chris. It's been a hard year for me and what a year 2009 to start and be ok with myself and date.

I'm growing up and learning from my mistakes. They hurt, but I"m learning as I go along. i'm still young and have a lot to learn. I love the people I'm surrounded by and that have supported me throughout my whole life, that include my friends, my family, and God. I have lost focus in him and I don't know why?? Just got too involved with myself.

I've accomplished so much in my life and I don't know why I lower myself or settle for something like with the person I thought I had left behind. I know I can do better and I am worth much more than that, it sounds mean, but it's the truth. I love myself and finally ask for respect, that person didn't respect me and didn't overall appreciate me, it seems like he did, but he didn't. I wasted time and gave my all to something that was never real. how stupid am I? I just am!!! And I will learn from that.

I am weary on who I trust now and how to approach relationships. I gained little by little Joel's trust, but it wasn't immediate, and now from the hurt I've been through AGAIN I know not to trust right away until i am sure. It's been hard these past few weeks and to finally say "enough". My life coach has helped me out a lot. I swear the pain you feel in your heart is more hurtful than the one you feel than the pain you have in your back (like in my case).

One day that fool will realize and regret the choices he made with me and how he didn't appreciate it. He may one day come back, but I for sure will not take him back and will have moved on with my life. I shouldn't really even think about this...cause it doesn't matter. I loved the man, but he didn't love me back. That is the most worst feeling you could experience or someone could do one. We are all humans, but I guess sometimes God makes you go through things so you learn your lesson and say "That is not for you".

I am in a lot of heartache, but that will be just for now, but come summer I think I'll be alright...or you never know maybe by spring. Only time can tell, finally it's over and I can go on with my life not hoping or expecting for a comeback.

I felt lonely and thought that this person would help me cope and be the best thing for me. Obviously the option I chose was not at all the best thing, cause not only did it cause me heartache, but depression. He did me more bad than good, just like Chris. I wasn't happy throughout that time, but still hoped that he would eventually choose me, but he didn't. He wanted to see his options. Even though I was there for him all this time, and all he can say to that is "ok thanks for everything". <--ASSHOLE!!! SELFISH!! UNGREATFUL!!!

Even though he is not a "womanizer" in the sense that Britney sings, the songs fits perfect in the fact that he makes me feel like he wants me, but really just is playing. What a MTF!!

All I have to say "what comes around, goes around ASSHOLE!"

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On another note, got the Britney Spears (such a fan) and I like it, like Blackout. Notice that I keep cutting the hair short.

So I am going to finish my masters this semester. I have to or else I will lose all the credits. I am not bound to do that. I just don't have the motivation nor the desire. I think it's due to the fact that I am not at work in action.

Just 2 more weeks and I go back to work. I am so looking forward so I can get pumped to write this thing and get it over and done with. I want to get my diploma and not worry about school ever again.

I had a great time with Joel this weekend. We were just lazy at my place and just did absolutely nothing and just watched movies...I love it. I enjoy his company and he's just a great person. :) Gonna miss him when he's gone. So bummed that I have to focus on this paper and I don't think I'll have time for him...but we'll see what we can manage right.

This the guy I am currently dating...yes dating. Not my bf...just dating...he's sweet and we enjoy each others company. He gives me lots of support and gives me encouragment. He has lifted my spirits and has impacted me more than I ever though. He may not have a sense of style, but I like his personality, his sense of humor, and his company. He is a great person and I am ever so thankful our lives crossed each others. I will miss him once he returns back home in December.



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I didn't realize it took so much to get a double citizenship. I am trying to do that with myself and OMG you need almost blood drawn...dang it.

I am going to finish my Masters by December and I will be done. I've been dreading to do this paper but it must be done...DANG IT!! The nightmare shall begin!!!

I got the OK today to start driving again. So excited to hear the news because that means I can go back home...yeah!!!!!!!!!! I will start moving my stuff tomorrow and be settled at my placed by Friday. YEAH!! I don't go back until 2nd of September and I can't work out at all till then as well, but I will be doing my routine walk I do every morning and afternoon and keepling up wiht my lite diet. But at least I can move around with my car and go out. *YEAH*

Trust me if you are cooped up in a house for 2 weeks without being able to drive and having people drive for you...you start going out of your mind. I am happy to be off work for 4 more weeks and recovering.

Trust me it still hurts..but not as much...tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since my surgery. How fast time flys.

I finished the Jim Morrison biography and it gave me some sadness of how his life ended and how young he was. So many speculations revolve around his death...did he die of a heart attack or did he OD on heroin? I don't know and I don't think we'll ever know...All I can say that he was interesting, and a very odd man. I can't believe he died at 27, I'm 28...he would of been in his 60's if he were here today.

So many creative minds die so young due to drugs or suicide or murder (Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Kurt Kobain)...?? It must be hard living a rock star life no??? *Shrugs*

So I am doing great with my recovery. I am able to walk 3 times around the neighborhood and not hurting as much as I did from a week ago. I'm a little tired, but not as much as last week. I was able to have my parents dog, Rigo, walk with me. Thats a good sign. You never know I might be able to go back to work earlier than expected, but I don't want to push it. So might as well take it easy no??

My parents celebrated their 30th annivesary on Saturday. We had a celebration with close friends and family. I unfortunately did not feel great due to my post surgery, so I was not into it. I was glad though that my mom and dad had a great time. Wish I could of been into it as well.

My friend JM suprised me with a bouquet of Edible fruit flowers. I was shocked to received them, but much in appreciation. Since she knows that I am a fruit fanatic she took the liberty to give me those. I love that girl.



The fruit is so pretty that I don't even want to eat it. I love mangos so seeing them in the display made me love it instantly. I started already to nibble off the strawberries, the kiwi, and grapes. Mango's I will save till last.

What a way to end the week eh....hee hee!!

yes, it was one week ago that I was being operated on to remove the benign tumor that had grown on my left ovary and that caused for me to lose my left ovary as well. I arrived at the hospital @ 11:45am to check in and surgery was performed on me at 1:30pm. I don't recall anything really cause I was under the anestisia (sp?), but I do calling my boss and Joel and sounding like I was high. I remember tryingn to wake up Friday morning and reading something...but I just couldn't keep my eyes open and just fell asleep so easily. I remember waking up from the surgery in so much pain and the nurse telling me that I had to relax and she was giving me as much medication for me to calm down.

Now it's a week and I'm doing better...got a little tired from walking around my parents neighborhood twice. Don't know if I'm just not reacting to the medication the same..just not feeling well..kind of nauseas whereas before I didn't. I have been able to pass stool (so thats good) just my appetite is not back yet, I am eating, but not as I would wish I could...I am eating fruit and drinking plenty of water fluids...orange juice I have drank, but no apple juice or fruity drinks.

Just from this experience of having to have surgery makes me think if I want to have children...I really didn't like my hospital stay because it's cold and lonely....I was ready to go home by Saturday, but the doctor stated that it would be better for Sunday...so sunday @ 10:30am I was able to go home.....

Now it's on for recovery for the next 5 weeks. I hope to gain my strength, my appetite, and my spirit back. I hope it all does come back.

So my friend Joel is way into The doors. So I have recently started to listen to the music and become a fan of it. Went the the thrift book store and found a few autobiographies and picked his up...as of now it is all very interesting to me since. I have no idea who this person is and really no knowledge of where the music is coming from but all I can say is that this guy is very different than any other artist I've read about...that being Jim Morrison. Such a very unique, smart, intelligent, genuine,




" If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite"

These was the flower arrangement that my mom and dad brought to me to cheer me up at the hospital. Now they are here at my familys house here with me keeping me company. I love them. They are a beautiful yellow (roses) and pure white carnations. I love them. they smell wonderful too.



I'm doing alright...just trying to pass food through me (if you know what I mean).

The surgery is done and now it's six weeks of recovery. I do have some minor pain in my adomen where the insition was made. They did take out a pretty big benign tumor out of my left ovary. I have no left ovary left, but I will still be ale to have children.

I walked this morning twice up and down my parents stree without help. The doctor says I have to walk to get out all the air out ...I have gone to the bathroom, but no hard stool...I have been passing gas which is a good thing...but what would be better is if I passed some stool.

I can't wait till this is all over and go back to work and back to working out. I'm on a strict diet due to me not being able to do any physical activity, but I don't mind enjoying fruits and veggies..and some meats.

I have gotten a rash from these tights I wore in the hospital...gah..my poor legs look horrible...well within a few weeks they will be fine...right???

I will take this pictures into my head...to get me better :P

Supporting words from Lanette:

That is a lot of information lady. You will be o.k. Sometimes there are things in life that happen for reasons that are beyond our understanding.
I know that you love to exercise but maybe this is a round about way to make you sit down and take care of yourself. Maybe instead of you always being concerned with others, now it's time for others to be concerned with you. I really appreciate you taking the time to inform me of your situation and I will not let anyone know. Besides your a great lady you will come through just fine. Surgery you should never fear because at some point and time we all have to endure it. I've had surgery in the past and I'm still alive and so will you be. Sometimes we over exert our bodies and our bodies finally say enough is enough and that is probably what is going on with you. You have a lot of support and if you ever need anything, please let me know. When you go to the hospital let me know when.