So it's been 3 months since Joel left to go back home. I haven't really spoken to him, but I sure do miss him. I can notice I'm starting to let go, but hesitant at times.

I'm looking forward to the spring/summer b/c I'll be able to do things outside and get out into the city.

I have really taken a step back and see what I want and just be happy with being single. I haven't been like that in my life, but funny how I'm content with it. I'm not interested really in starting a relationship or dating, just hanging out and having fun.

REally I'm building up my individuality and spending time with me. Which I haven't done in such a long time. It's all about my career right now and taking care of myself.

Studying for my PHR is the priority now. I got my masters, so now it's this other battle. It's hard b/c there is so much information to know and cram in. I'm realy going to try to just get everything ready (prep) for it and be ready for studying hard core on 4/1, then take the test in May EEK!!

Not taking any vacations at all this year. I did go to NY, but nothing sunny and fun. Maybe next year go international again. We'll see.

Work is fine, challenging, but it makes it interesting.

Today is kind of a boring day today, but it's ok. It's a Monday and too much craziness would make it horrible. I think I'm leaving at 4:30pm since nothing exciting is occuring.

Saw Twilight, great movie. Like the attraction and chemistry between the two characters. Hmmm might buy it now.

I haven't been feeling with energy. Even though I am working out I have no desire to do so. I know I'm falling into a depression. I don't want to and I'm doing the best I can not to fall, but I'm really not into anything. I miss Joel incredibly and with all the drama and finally letting go of Mr. JERKO! it's been hard. I find it really hard to imagine why men can be so cruel and mean. I'm this nice girl tha has her shit together and then completely uses her to his benefit and just throws her away like a doll and find the next doll. It just hurts to be treated that way.

Although I have great friends and family that have supported me throughout this whole time. I'm going to back to my religous roots, basically where I used to be. I need my faith back, without it I noticed I didn't feel like I mattered, since I've been communicating with the higher power I have felt somewhat better. I know he loves me for who I am and I know I am the better woman than that jerko. I know for a fact my heart belongs to Joel and not scum bag. I miss Joel's company because i made me feel safe and protected. I know with him scum bag would not cross my mind. Although since he is not here I feel like my shield is not here anymore and I no longer feel safe and vulnerable more like it.

I had a crappy holiday, but I am looking forward to this new year without anything holding me back. For the first time I don't want to be in a relationship and I'm emotionally not available. I never felt this way and I'm actually more concentrated in making myself feel better and be a better woman. I hope tha scum bag gets shit and is not happy, he needs to feel what I felt one of these days. The higher power will take vengence upon his hands, hopefully he feels the pain I feel. I know I don't need that shit. :P

I enjoy coming to work cause it helps me take my mind off of things, but I still think of the pain I feel from scum bag and the love I feel for Joel. I know it sounds confusing, but really I love my Joel. I always will. I hope he comes back to me!!

I haven't been feeling with energy. Even though I am working out I have no desire to do so. I know I'm falling into a depression. I don't want to and I'm doing the best I can not to fall, but I'm really not into anything. I miss Joel incredibly and with all the drama and finally letting go of Mr. JERKO! it's been hard. I find it really hard to imagine why men can be so cruel and mean. I'm this nice girl tha has her shit together and then completely uses her to his benefit and just throws her away like a doll and find the next doll. It just hurts to be treated that way.

Although I have great friends and family that have supported me throughout this whole time. I'm going to back to my religous roots, basically where I used to be. I need my faith back, without it I noticed I didn't feel like I mattered, since I've been communicating with the higher power I have felt somewhat better. I know he loves me for who I am and I know I am the better woman than that jerko. I know for a fact my heart belongs to Joel and not scum bag. I miss Joel's company because i made me feel safe and protected. I know with him scum bag would not cross my mind. Although since he is not here I feel like my shield is not here anymore and I no longer feel safe and vulnerable more like it.

I had a crappy holiday, but I am looking forward to this new year without anything holding me back. For the first time I don't want to be in a relationship and I'm emotionally not available. I never felt this way and I'm actually more concentrated in making myself feel better and be a better woman. I hope tha scum bag gets shit and is not happy, he needs to feel what I felt one of these days. The higher power will take vengence upon his hands, hopefully he feels the pain I feel. I know I don't need that shit. :P

I enjoy coming to work cause it helps me take my mind off of things, but I still think of the pain I feel from scum bag and the love I feel for Joel. I know it sounds confusing, but really I love my Joel. I always will. I hope he comes back to me!!

This was one of the first photos we took together. This was over the 4th of July weekend. I miss him!! *sigh*

I'm upset at the fact that Joel has not called me since his arrival. It will now be officially a week on Monday he arrived. It's like he completely forgot about me. I understand his family is priority there, but at least give me a call that you arrived. He will only call me when he needs something...like his tax information. It pisses me off because here I'm waiting for him to be calling me, but up no...no luck whatesoever.

I was shocked to know that he didn't even call his family here..it's like he got home and forgot everyone in Chicago, IL. That pisses me off.
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On the side note I went on a date with Matt. I guy I met on YP..yeah it wasn't what I had expected. There is no chemistry, he's a nice guy, but just not my type..I think with time maybe, but really I'm not emotionally available..I rather just be on my own and hang with friends, family, and read my books.

He kissed me on Saturday which was ackward..I wasn't into it really. I just did it..shouldn't of DOH!!! Thank goodness he didn't french me or else I would of been "BLAH UM NO". Still pining for Joel...:*(

I don't know when I'll be ready, but i'm not going to string a guy a long if I don't feel anything or hoping there might be. Thats just not right. *shakes head*

Tired. It's Sunday and I can't believe I am at work!! *ARG* I think I'm the only salary individual that is here. I think i'll leave at 2pm and go workout and get grocieries and go from there. *YAWN*

I just want to sleep and crawl under a rock. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare. I am incredibly having a hard time dealing with joel leaving. I knew he was going to leave, but the pain is so painful. I loved that man and I told him that I did. I believe he did too. It's hard to not call him after work and just discuss with him everything of the day. today I needed him there with me at work because the union was so hard on me today. I wish he were here. Today I don't even want to wrap the remaining presents. All I want to do is just sleep and crawl under a rock. I worked out today, but the pain I feel is unberable. For the next four days that i'm off all I want to do is sleep and just be in PJ's. It's hard to get over this sadness I feel in my heart. I cry at work, before going to bed, or in the car. I miss him extremely. He was such a good friend to me and brought me back to life. He is a wonderful man I met and someone that i will cherish very much. I love him!! I enjoy all the memories we had. I know he is happy to be home and has no time to think of me....i'm kind of jealous I have to admit, but it's understandable. I love Joel. I will miss him terribly. My love is gone.

I feel like skipping Christmas this year.

So it's official I have graduated with my Masters in I/O psychology. I am super physched and releaved it's over. This has been such a long journey and I did it on my own. I took everything out of me and courage to finish this long process. I did it and even though right now everything is great, this is a light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me feel great and that I worthy of much more than what I was settling for.

I also ran a 5k marathon through my local gym and I did well, well for someone that had not worked out for the past 2 weeks. I came in 6th in my age range and 55 in my gender. Overall I came in 157 out of 700 peeps. :D It was a nice 40 degrees but windy. I thought it would not be over, but with help of the old IPOD I made it through. I then treated myself to a tuxedo mocha from star****cks and a People's magazine. That was my treat.

The night before I hung out with Joel kind of our last hurrah. He is leaving on Friday night to go back home and be with his family. I will incredible miss him. He has been such a good friend. Much more of a friend that the EX was and more of a man as well. Joel was always honest and sincere. He never lead me on and pretended anything. It was all genuine with JOel. I will respect him immensely and he is the love of my life. If I could I would marry Joel. True he may not be as far along in his education, but he is a good man, and I seek that. Joel will always be above Chris and the EX and all the random guys I've met. JOel has given me respect and much consideration. He is not that detailed, but what man isn't. He liked me for me and that is all I could ever ask for from the opposite man, especially if that man I care for and vice versa. I love Joel, he was a great friend and much more than that. I love Joel Salgado. I will be sad to let him go!! :(